It is Sunday and I am still Schrodinger’s cat although, in truth, we all are.
We are all Schrodinger’s cat, in boxes largely of our making with observations and outcomes largely dependent upon our actions and the choices we make, and the consequences of those actions and choices, but that is only the nature of our humanity in His image and my situation is hardly unique, it is merely possibly, slightly more dramatic than some others for the time being, and dramatic only because I make it so.
It is unlikely that the final pathology will change what I already know. It will get worse, or it will get better, and I am dealing with some strategies relative to both cases.
I am drawing to a close of the things I wanted or needed to think for now. I am sure there will be more as I always resented a book or a movie without a proper ending. Sue and I did go to church for the first time in a long time. We stopped going for a number of reasons, the largest ones being disillusionment with what we viewed as the politicization of the papacy and of course the sex-abuse scandals; however, at home, we still prayed and I felt much as the same person after I stopped going as I was before.
I came close to calling Fr. C a number of times, even started to type a message to him on messenger, but stopped because it seemed so typical, such a cliche, so I didn’t. I thought of calling another clergy member I knew, a Baptist, but that seemed a betrayal to what I was so I didn’t talk to anybody as much as I wanted to; consequently, when I did talk to the few people I had to, and a few close friends, it was hard. It was hard for me to keep from crying, and I didn’t like that. I know I should do that with Sue, but I feel that I should be stronger for her and I know that’s stupid, especially if I don’t actually die, which I probably will not, at least any time soon, although it doesn’t feel that way now.
I figured that I needed to get it out, with Father, and then it would be easier to talk about it with others; but, then I think what if this will all go away, and there’s nothing to get it out for, and , so, I’m waiting. I’m doing what I can; an anti-inflammatory diet, losing weight, breathing exercises, taking medications; and, today, before mass, Fr. C mentioned a trip to the Holy Land he was guiding in March, and tomorrow was the last day of registration. It is something Sue and I always wanted to do, and I figured that I’d save it for later, it’s just that, what if later is now? So, we will make our pilgrimage, and who knows, I might experience another miracle, which would make two for me, and any good Catholic knows what that means.